Archive for 2018

Jin Wicked is Sick of Shit, Vol 2

Posted in love on September 18th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on Jin Wicked is Sick of Shit, Vol 2

“The thing that I hated most — couldn’t stand — about you, I think — but also was something that I took pride in, was that you are smarter than me.”

How am I supposed to feel about this? Someone close to me said it recently, and it has had me pretty salty and hot under the collar ever since. Don’t think I can let this one go easy. Many men are intimidated by intelligent, successful women. And here is this confession that, simultaneously, this person is both resentful of my intelligence and also somehow… proud of it? What?

I work harder than literally everyone else I know, on a personal level. I have started working ten and eleven hour days at my day job to keep more whole days open for binge working on my art, comics, and other projects. This is still necessary to maintain a livable income. I do not get full “days off” and even on my extremely rare non-productive days, I still have to maintain my social media. I mind every calorie that goes into my mouth, and now I spend about six hours per week on the gym. I have been selling my art online since 2001 and making comics since 2003. I have spent the last three years working on my issues, battling and overcoming my own anxieties and insecurities. These were hard-won victories. All I’m asking is respect for my hustle and time.

My accomplishments belong to me, and the people that have actively helped me achieve them. My purpose is not to be anyone else’s self-esteem booster. Not your arm candy, not your trophy wife, not here for you to “take down a peg” either consciously or unconsciously so you can feel a little better about yourself. Your insecurity is not my responsibility. If you cannot visibly and full-throatedly support my ambitions, then get out of the way. If you are unwilling to match my effort 1:1, then get out of the way. I don’t want a Daddy. I don’t want a protector. I am sick of disappointment and empty promises. I want an equal. I want someone with some God-damned fucking FIGHT in them.

Things which are important, which I am looking for in a partner:

  • confidence, honesty, integrity, frugality
  • good match on an intellectual level
  • ambition and work ethic comparable to mine
  • reasonably healthy diet — eat a fucking vegetable
  • reasonable effort into appearance (hygiene, fitness)
  • don’t treat me like your maid/mother/piggybank
  • complementary artistic talents/other skills
  • can make me really laugh
  • good in the sack

Things which I do not give a fuck about in a partner:

  • how “pretty” or tall you are
  • money, beyond paying your fair share
  • cars, clothes, or materialistic things generally
  • in fact — the less crap you own, the better
  • seriously get all this fucking shit out of here
  • i will throw your television into the river
  • TURN OFF THE FUCKING TV

Surprisingly, or perhaps not, the ability to make me really laugh is the hardest trait to find on the looking-for list. When you are most often the entertainer, it takes quite a lot to surprise and/or get a genuine belly laugh out of you. So I am used to being the clown, but seldom being clowned to. In my nearly-39 years on this planet, I have met precisely two (2) fellow human beings with a mutual physical attraction that fit all my criteria above. The first “dropped out of the game” so to speak and has long-since settled down into a quiet, very private life. The second rejected a working relationship with me, for their own reasons. Eh. You win some, but mostly, you lose some. C’est la vie.

In the meantime, my prodigious, emasculating female intellect and its utterly ball-crushing array of talents have a date with a vibrator. Did you know that they make rechargeable batteries for those things now? Well, they do.

[VIDEO BLOG] EXCIIIIITED

Posted in video on September 16th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on [VIDEO BLOG] EXCIIIIITED

MCBA Comicons
http://mcbacomicons.com/

Jenny

Posted in work on September 12th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on Jenny

Allow me to tell you the story, now, of a fiercely defiant, individualistic, and a stubborn little girl. A little asshole. A girl that lived slightly out of sync with the rest of the world, ground down into a deep depression over the years by the expectations, judgement, and disappointments of family and society at large. Allow me to tell you the true story of the curious, wonderful, and often painful life this girl lived, until one fine day, she woke up with a purpose and shouted at the sky, “I don’t give a flying fuck if you think I’m an asshole anymore!”

And on that day, the little asshole earned her crown.

Chess Queen, Wikipedia

After much toiling, sacrifices, and about thirty hours of crushing work, the first real page of Queen of Assholes is complete. I am looking forward to showing my chops as a more dramatic writer and storyteller. Queen is the combination and culmination of everything I have worked toward for most of my life.

I am working twelve and fourteen hour days, almost seven days a week, to build the necessary finances and momentum to see this through to success. The pages will finish faster as the full-page format grows more intuitive with experience. The introduction is somewhat self-contained (a sort of “mission statement” piece) and I plan to self-publish that as a magazine-sized floppy in the spring of next year. After that, it will be 2-4 years before I can publish a formal Volume One, depending on the speed at which I am able to produce. It will continue to be serialized online as a webcomic. I have, very tentatively, two more videos planned that correspond with parts of the introduction, but they are dependent upon some harder to get footage and rights to music.

I never grew up.

For multiple reasons, this was, emotionally and physically speaking, the most difficult video I have made. Due to the heat, hat, black clothing, and spinning, I got quite sick while filming the ride footage, which was made back in June. I chose to feature some photographs of me as a baby, along with my mother, who passed away in 2010 at the age of only 59. The drawings were made in 1984, at age four, and are the earliest surviving examples of anything I have drawn. They are contrasted against my latest work, where I have continued to push the limits of my artistic and creative abilities. This song is a personal favourite of mine, both for its simplicity, and the dual purpose I have given it here — the struggle to be seen and loved for what I am by my parents, and the desire to eventually find a partner capable of walking alongside me.

My work is lonely work, but it is a Faustian bargain I consciously and willingly made. I am blessed to have a motley crew of caring and supportive friends, without whom what I am doing would be virtually impossible. I am blessed to have some of the most dedicated readers in the world, some having followed me for nearly two decades. It is through your love that I discovered my own strength. It is because of you, that discouragement cannot touch me.

Perhaps someday I will find my King of Assholes.


via GIPHY

[VIDEO BLOG] New work and Fall Comicon!

Posted in video on September 9th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on [VIDEO BLOG] New work and Fall Comicon!

Ben R Cooper Photography
http://www.benrcooper.com/
https://www.facebook.com/benrcooperphotography

MCBA Comicons
http://mcbacomicons.com/

[AUDIO BLOG] Tough Love

Posted in audio, health on September 7th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on [AUDIO BLOG] Tough Love

[ Listen to this post. ↗ ]

Today I want to talk to you about self-acceptance and self-loathing. Now, I’m not an expert by any means, and I can only relate my personal experience as an able-bodied person. But this is still something I think will ring true for a lot of people — and you may find helpful. I understand that everyone has their own mental and physical capabilities. I dug myself out from a very dark place, and I want to share how I did it with you. I believe the crucial combination of self-acceptance, truthful self-awareness — on your own or with a therapist — and regularly, purposefully pushing yourself outside your comfort zone is the key to unlocking your potential. Speak gently, but practice tough love.

My mother started reading storybooks to me almost as soon as I was born, so I basically taught myself to read and write before I even started school. Great, right? Well kind of. My parents’ expectations were so high for me that I was often severely punished for falling short of them, in many ways that my younger two siblings never were. Verbal debasement, screaming, and harsh “whippings” taught me to fear my parents’ judgement, silence my opinions, and that love is something you have to earn — like a trophy. Be smarter, be more talented, be thinner, be prettier. Whoa now, honey, we expect only the best from you, but don’t think too highly of yourself either! That’s not healthy attachment, and the older I got, those learned attitudes began to influence my budding adult relationships. At one point, I spent months of my freshmen year of high school grounded for getting Cs in a geometry class. Instead of figuring out the reason I was getting bad grades and addressing that, I was isolated from the few friends I had, and withdrew into my dark internal world even further. Later I figured out on my own that one reason I was struggling in class and having trouble concentrating, was because at the time I needed glasses. But a childhood of incidents like that, and the damage was done.

Most of my life, I have lived with an undercurrent of self-loathing and never feeling good enough. I was always the weird kid — neither popular or bullied, existing in a category no one really knew how to deal with. Sometimes picked on, but mostly avoided. It’s that weird girl. She draws stuff. In sixth grade, mini proto-Jin was already hustling to sell my hand-drawn bookmarks to my classmates. Growing up, my primary source of self-loathing was my body. My whole family struggled with food, weight, and emotional eating. Self-hating fat parents frequently reminding their self-hating fat daughter that she is, in fact, fat. My lack of self-esteem caused me to hurt other people by staying in friendships and relationships that weren’t right for me, some actively harmful, because I was afraid of being alone and doing the HARD WORK on myself to build empathy and forge true connections with other people. The failure of bad relationships caused me to hate myself even MORE, until I eventually ate my way to almost 180lbs and imminent health problems because eating was how I learned to cope with negative emotions. I ate because I felt bad, and I felt worse because I ate. It is a vicious, self-defeating, and self-destructive cycle, true of alcohol, drugs, food, and other vices. I also wasted years of my young life binge watching television, playing video games like Minecraft, and basically doing everything I could to avoid my buried feelings and reality.

It was not until I stripped away all the layers of self-loathing and started to accept and love myself, including my flaws and mistakes, that the rest of my life started to improve. You can’t build a house on a rotten foundation.

In recent times we have started to see a lot on the Internet about self-care. Self-care is important, but it isn’t all comfort foods, bubble baths, and Netflix. Self-care has to come from a place of self-love, and sometimes that self-love needs to be TOUGH LOVE. I want to encourage you to challenge yourself. If, like me, you struggle with something as simple as keeping your apartment clean, make a resolve to clean five minutes a day. Then ten. Then fifteen. The thing you want to build here is momentum! Write it on your calendar. Slap a smiley-face sticker on there! Put it in a form that enables you to visually see your progress, and motivates you to not break the pattern. Allow yourself to take pride in your accomplishments, no matter how small. Over time, those tiny accomplishments add up to the ability to do bigger things. The important part is being proud of what you’ve done, but always pushing yourself a little more. Small changes — adding up — are how we change our world.

Love your body. Big, small, tall, short, tight, lumpy, it’s yours. And it’s the only one you’ve got. Loving your body also means TOUGH LOVE. Find exercise you enjoy, whether that’s biking, running, lifting weights, swimming, or even just dancing in your chair if that’s all you can do. Get yourself moving! It’s good for your body, your heart, your brain, and your soul. Again, momentum is key here. Those first steps on the walking trail or into the gym, are the hardest. Celebrate your milestones and let them propel you forward.

I’m not asking you to become a goal-fueled obsessive like I am — I know my brain was broken in a weird way that allows me to hyperfocus on things. But I am asking you to start loving yourself, and to let go of the distractions and negativity and self-loathing that may be holding you back from growth. Live your best life. Accept yourself as a flawed human, as are we all, then commit to becoming the best version of yourself you can be. Find your passions and cultivate the things that grow your confidence and your self-esteem. Do not just consume, create something! Life is too short to waste away in the dark places. Seek professional help if needed, and move at the pace that is right for you. Just — for fuck’s sake — move. Do things because they are hard.

In short, I am asking you to stop fuckin’ around.