general

On Fear, Vol 2

Posted in general, health, politics on October 12th, 2019 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on On Fear, Vol 2

β€œThe cynics may be the loudest voices – but I promise you, they will accomplish the least.” – Barack Obama

This was originally written in my reflective early-morning hours as a Facebook post, but I wanted to preserve it here as an addendum to my previous post about fear. One of the fears I have struggled most with is feeling silenced — by intimidation and fear of criticism. This is not limited strictly to politics, but to negative experiences and traumas I have had as well. The inability to discuss many things I have been going through has been psychologically devastating for me, as a person whose main avenue of expression and understanding my world is through my artwork and comics. Victim-blaming is still pervasive even among “enlightened” and “woke” people. In several cases my traumas, and efforts to mentally reconcile doing “the right thing” while understanding what happened to me, have not only been minimized and invalidated, but actually turned into a running joke and/or used an as excuse to abuse me further.

Until recently, I have been flailing around in this no-man’s-land of denial, self-blame, being told how I feel and how I remember things is not correct, being told who I am, being told what is wrong with me — you get the idea.

I have also surpressed a lot of anger out of a desire to be “nice” and “good” and “liked” when I had real, legitimate reasons to be upset. Unfortunately for those who have attempted to gaslight me (and for me gaslighting myself), in the process of learning healthy conflict and building a loving relationship with Steve, I now have a much better-calibrated gauge for recognizing abuse.

I don’t like thinking of myself as a victim. This has been a process.

The irony is realizing the things you thought you wanted, were never worth it in the first place, and only looked appealing through the warped perspectives of the past. Authenticity sets you free. Onward and upward…


“There are a lot of politics in the Lunch Break archive.

It was something I used to be very passionate about. I grew up in a right-wing household. I listened to Rush Limbaugh until the early 2000s. It wasn’t until I left Texas, and started spending time in Canada and with people from other countries, that I started to question the things I had always believed.

I got a lot of angry and hateful feedback for my criticisms of the Bush administration and evangelical Christianity. But most of the things I was ‘over-reacting’ about back then have become noticeably, undeniably worse and/or more extreme. I do feel a little bit, just a little bit, vindicated here.

I don’t hate religion. I’m an atheist that somewhat regularly goes to Catholic Mass. I try to live by certain values I admire — love your neighbour, turning the other cheek, helping those less fortunate. Things Christians give a lot of really vocal lip service to — but precious few actually walk the walk.

I was a delegate for President Obama’s campaign in the 2008 primary fight against Hillary Clinton. I don’t really have strong feelings about Hillary, but I am not much a fan of political dynasties, either. That was a bitter fight.

Obama turned out to be not much better than Bush, if at least better-spoken and more Presidential. I suppose I am a disillusioned Millennial.

I’ve stayed away from politics for a long time — mainly because I was going through too much of my own shit, and just too tired to argue anymore.

Sometimes it is so tempting to give in to nihilism and hedonism.

But the ‘right’ path is rarely the ‘easy path.’ And the ‘status quo’ is also rarely the right path, being easy — it’s much easier, and less scary, to fight change rather than embrace it. It is much easier to lie to ourselves about the dangers of greenhouse gases and environmental pollution, than to endure the inconvenience and disruption of systemic change.

It much easier to lie to ourselves that the poor and downtrodden did something to deserve their bad fortune, even though the whole game is rigged to funnel ever-more wealth to the top. You literally cannot win.

Decades of trickle-down economics; the gas-lighting of the working class.

Centuries of racism, sexism, xenophobia, social wedge issues, and union-busting to keep the working class busy fighting each other.

But the ability to be apathetic towards politics is, itself, a privilege.

So this teenager, this young woman, Greta, comes — and she speaks before the world with a great deal of passion about something she believes in. She wants all of the things that I have been told, since childhood, are unquestioningly good — a clean, healthy planet for future generations. Unpolluted water to drink. Clear air to breathe. Sustainability.

And I would be lying if, when I watched her speak, I didn’t see some of myself — a young, idealistic person full of life, before the darkness and depression dragged me under. She has not yet cracked. She is stronger than I was. She has endured far more nastiness than I ever have.

And I also see something I have long been unwilling to acknowledge — the depths to which people will go to preserve their comfortable lies and inertia. The ugliness. The level of hatred, of venom, of dismissiveness, of mockery — for someone who, whether you like it or not, whether you agree with her or not — is trying to make a positive difference in the world.

And then I saw all of the adults who told me to sit down, shut up, stay in my place — a little differently. I saw all of the people who have tried to silence me through the same methods used on her — a little differently.

I saw through the loathing. I saw the fear.

When you realize the people you were afraid of — were actually afraid of you all along — of change, of something inside you, of something they avoid in themselves, of something you represent. I think that’s when you really discover your internal seat of power. The enemy is always fear.

Fear of failure. Fear of exposure. Fear of the other. Fear of judgement. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of pain. Fear of loss. Fear of change.

I don’t have a good answer, beyond encouraging everyone to leave their comfort zone, and do the inner work to sit with and confront their fears.

It has taken me almost forty years to finally stand up for myself.

It has taken me almost forty years to stand up to fear.

2008-02-19 Barack Obama

2008-03-03 Barack Obama

On Fear

Posted in general, health on September 12th, 2019 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on On Fear

“Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.” – Dorothy Thompson

Since returning from San Diego Comic-Con, I have been deeply into one of my more inward-looking phases. I am working on a much longer written piece, to accompany an illustraton I have been slowly inking. I also have been focused on cleaning up the minor accumulation of “mess” in my office since earlier this year, and picked up where I left off last fall correcting my book-keeping.

My book-keeping is/was the last major obstacle standing in my way — while I am not really afraid of it, it had snowballed into quite an intimidating problem. The difference after being on ADHD medication for half of a year is incredible. This overwhelming task that has been dogging me for years, which I had put off time and time again due to honestly being unable to handle it — Sunday, I said, “It’s time!” sat down, and bulldozed most of it within a few hours.

I really do not think it is possible to adequately explain to someone, who has not experienced it — how life-changing it is to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. To not be slave to your own thoughts and distractions like a puppet on a string, or constantly at battle with your own impulses.

In the spring of 2018, on one of my regular trips to the Goodwill, I found this jacket printed with butterflies. “This is important,” I thought, like the mashed-potato-guy in Close Encounters. I have had a mild phobia of butterflies since I was a child, which is obviously ridiculous — what better reason then, to place myself into an uncomfortable predicament for your amusement? So, my friend Jon Heller and I set out to the Minnesota State Fair butterfly house, where I spent about half an hour among mostly Blue morpho butterflies.

I was chuffed at the number of compliments about my video-editing.

I love to sing. I have always loved to sing. When I was in grade school, I was considered “gifted” — breezed through classes, could draw, studied multiple musical instruments. When you say someone has a “thing” — so-and-so likes basketball, so-and-so loves to ride horses, so-and-so excels at math — I had a lot of “things.” My younger siblings had many fewer “things” than I did, one of them being singing. This entitled my family to belittle my efforts at singing, openly and frequently enough, that eventually I developed a paralyzing fear of doing it at all. Singing became relegated to the safety of my vehicle, and a few suspect audio recordings on cassettes or shared from behind a computer screen. Thus it was something of a Big Deal when I managed to first record a video of myself singing in 2016. It would take two more years, in late 2018, before I became daring enough to belt it out. And it would take another year after that, and one aborted attempt, before I participated in karaoke.

And it took me more than an hour before I finally stepped up.

I share this not because I believe it is good, but because it does not have to be. This is not about the simple act of singing, but about having the courage to follow your heart’s joy and be true to yourself, even in the face of fear and potential judgement. I believe that embracing one’s faults and imperfections is essential to the growth process. It is a core component of happiness, and of human wholeness. If you are “never wrong,” you will never be right.

Some people make fun of me for my videos, but that is okay.

“I am one of the only people I know,” I told my therapist, “who regularly puts themselves into situations where I know I will have to confront my fears and weaknesses.” “I think there is an admirable quality to that,” she replied.

There are, of course, people I have feared at times in my life, beginning with my parents. I think, on reflection, that an unconscious desire to confront and resolve those fears was part of what drove me to revisit the relationships of my past starting in 2014. I needed answers from the people who have hurt me. I needed to understand why. But once you have stepped through this Matrix and can see the fear and insecurity at the root of hurtful behaviours, it becomes almost impossible to not have compassion, even when compassion is probably undeserved. Perhaps especially when it is undeserved.

The world is changing and we need now, more than ever, to become greater than fear; to rise above fear, and make a conscious effort to understand each other. If we cannot work together, then there is no hope for the future.

I encourage you to step a little outside your comfort zone today.

Hello 2019

Posted in general on December 29th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on Hello 2019

Today is a peaceful and sleepy Saturday; a welcome day of solitude. Outside, the air is cold and the less-travelled streets are iced over. Inside, I am sitting here savouring the odd and awkward lull between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I spent Christmas Day with Stephen and his wonderful family. They have always gone out of their way to make sure I feel welcomed and included, and are some of the warmest and most hospitable people I have ever met. After eating and catching up, they invariably cajole me into playing some variety of table-top game, which I protest for show, but always enjoy. Telestrations was the latest selection, which I claimed was a little too much like work! However, I love that they focus on activities and conversations that build relationships, unlike my family, which blasted television through every dinner then gathered immediately around it afterward. The television, which I have come to loathe, was the inescapable centerpiece of every function and holiday with my family. Bog forbid we do anything substantive to connect to each other intellectually as human beings. Best you stare at the flickering screen, and try not to make too much direct eye contact or engage anyone beyond trivialities.

“Staring at a screen together” also describes the gist of my marriage.

I am beginning 2019 with a new day job that I hope will reinvigorate me and my energy levels. After twenty years in my current industry, there is not much left for me to learn or anywhere to go. I made the decision before Christmas to push myself out of my final remaining comfort zone, and reboot my career path. I view my self-employed and employee lives like the two parallel rails of a train track — both necessary to propel me forward with maximum stability. I will be keeping my current job for a while, working two jobs until I have paid off all debts and replenished my emergency funds. It will be rough, but I have done it before. My new position will also include another pay cut, but it offers more opportunity for both professional and personal growth in the long-term. It also offers a way to give back to the community. Over the past three years, as I have endeavoured to live a minimalist life and shunned more and more of consumerism, I have grown weary of working in sales-related fields. Stuff, especially mass-produced, purposeless, transient, plastic stuff, drains the life out of me. I can only see its eventual destination in a landfill.

But seriously, I had a lovely Christmas.

This was not meant to be a depressing monologue about entropy.

I went to the doctor last week, and I am quite healthy, if you happened to be concerned about that. Though I need to see a dentist. My blood panels were superb, and my blood pressure is always in the low 100s/60-70s range. I am looking at possibly moving soon to save money. My expenses have increased steadily this year, and my current situation is not sustainable much longer. My gym membership is the only luxury I have left to cut, and I really do not want to do that. Right now everything is in the “exploring options” phase.

Despite all this, I feel fairly optimistic about the coming year, and I have finally escaped the artistic slump that has been weighing on me for a while now. My birthday will be here before long, and being almost forty is not too bad so far. I have a lot of life left in me, yet. And it is time to get back to work.

Goodbye 2018

Posted in general, love on December 20th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on Goodbye 2018

So far, I have managed to avoid the winter blues. Vitamin D, kids.

2018 has been a period of dramatic transition and progress. At the beginning of the year, I stepped down from management, and took a pay and hours cut to focus more on my art and comics. I finished FLIGHT, two new music videos, my colouring book, and I officially began Queen of Assholes. I completed more than fifty new pieces of original artwork, including the colouring book pages, Patreon requests, and a commission. Plus thirty or forty sketch cards. Also, I produced two Jin’s Kitchen videos, the Pumpkin Spice video, and launched my video blog. And some podcasts, blah blah blah. It is easy to forget how much one has accomplished, in an environment that demands fresh content almost daily, but this was my most productive year since leaving “retirement”.

I think I rebuilt my Art and Photo websites, too? It is all a blur.

After years of struggle, I seem to have at last gained control over my anxiety, insecurities, and obsessive and catastrophic thought patterns. Though I still suffer some physical symptoms like rapid heart rate, these last few months I have felt much less burdened. Maybe I am too tired. Maybe I have contracted a terminal case of give no fucks. I have things to do. A great many things. And life is short. One lesson that has really sunk in this year, is to keep away from people who are too eager to see the worst in themselves and others. Cynical and negative people. They cannot be lifted, except by their own actions. They will only drag you down. That was an exceptionally hard pill to swallow.

Sometimes, what feels like an act of kindness on the surface is actually being an asshole. And the thing that feels, superficially, like being an asshole, is the real act of kindness. These are the themes I am exploring in my new book. I am fundamentally a kind-hearted and honest person who has made mistakes while fighting my way through anxiety, depression, and the circumstances of my life. I woke up one day in 2014, stared in the mirror, and said, “I need to change.” I have been going through that clumsy process ever since.

The gym has been good for me. Focusing in on the physical body — becoming consciously aware of the muscles and their movements — creates a feeling of clarity and groundedness. My friend Damian, who is an exceptionally-talented artist himself — trains me. While working out, and frequently hanging around the gym afterward, we often have conversations about life, growth, learning, relationships — those kind of things. I have come to really treasure that.

Which brings me to my relationship with Stephen.

My relationship with Stephen is so entirely different from every other intimate relationship I have had, that it has literally changed my perspective of what a healthy relationship even is. I know from my own research that I formed an anxious-attachment style growing up. Most of my relationships have been a combination of emotional unavailability, on one or both sides, and some form of co-dependency. After two-and-a-half years together, Stephen is probably the first person I have been able to form an intimate, secure attachment to. I might even cast doubts on my ability to love another person at all before this point. (The ex-husband accused me of being a robot, although I was strongly attached to and emotional about my pet rats.) Even during the brief times we have split up, we have both unconditionally supported each other. No matter what, I have always felt safe, loved, and accepted by him. His complete and total unselfconciousness has helped me to feel comfortable in my own skin. I finally know what it feels like to be loved in a positive and supportive way. He has a tightly-knit, very loving family. I am sure that is no coincidence.

Stephen is not without his own troubles. He left shortly after the beginning of our relationship for issues he needed to resolve with his ex-girlfriend. It was a huge step forward for me at the time to experience that loss without anger or bitterness. Ultimately our attraction and bond pulled us back together. The rest of our conflict has mostly been rooted in finances. He lost the job he had held for about ten years shortly after we first got together, and has struggled to get back on his feet since, as older men often do in this economy. I am not able to support two people, when I can barely remain in the black month-to-month and feed myself. I have a small emergency fund, and when it is gone, there is nothing left. All of my parents and grandparents are deceased. I am on my own. I am constantly stressed by the delicate juggling act between my personal business and my day job. Still, I try to help others when I can.

Stephen is working again now, and we are doing much better.

When I began this journey in early 2015, after deciding to leave my marriage, I said I wanted the kind of relationship where both people are just as crazy about each other after ten years, as they were on the day they met. I cannot know what the future holds for Stephen and me. I do know that even after everything we have been through, growing individually, and together, we still lay around staring into each others’ eyes from time to time. I still think about how handsome he looks when I see him dressed in a button-up shirt and tie. In his arms is still my favourite place to be. It feels like home. Every challenge that has pushed up apart initially, has only brought us closer together, after we cleared it. And the man cooks the best steak I have ever eaten.

Sometimes messy, imperfect reality turns out to be better than a dream.

Merry Christmas to you all, and Happy New Year.

Memories

Posted in general on December 11th, 2018 by Jin Wicked – Comments Off on Memories

No video again this week — I am still battling a runny nose, and weak. Eating has continued to be a problem. My appetite and sense of taste are ruined. I went from about 113.5lbs when I first fell ill two weeks ago, and weighed in at 107.9lbs yesterday. That is the lowest weight I have ever documented as an adult. (I may have been as small as 105lbs in 2003.) I was forced to miss a week of the gym and, coupled with not eating, have lost some of my hard-fought gains. I have been attempting to wean myself off Nyquil to sleep, and dealing with horrible insomnia. Years ago I became dependent on Benedryl to sleep, and it is like I never stopped. Sunday night I gave in, took the Nyquil, and slept for twelve hours straight. I need my energy and strength; there is too much to do! I am hoping to be back to normal by next weekend, because I wrote a little Christmas song, and I will be sad if I do not get to sing it.

Recently I was reminded, by my customer, of a five-year-old commission I had completely forgotten about, which is awful and embarrassing. It was from prior to my move to Minnesota, required an intimidating amount of skill, and I kept putting it off until I forgot about it — more than once. My organization leaves much to be desired, and as I mentioned in my previous post, I am currently sorting out three years of book-keeping. I refunded his money immediately. In the event that there is someone else I have forgotten, please email me all the relevant details. Please do not message me anything important or time-sensitive via Facebook. I receive hundreds of messages per week, and they are difficult to keep track of. I will do my best to make you whole as quickly as possible. Generally, I do not accept commissions, with few exceptions. Going forward, there will be no exceptions. I will only accept requests I like, with the option to buy the finished work before it is offered to the general audience. I decline 5-10 commission requests per week, and I have a substantial waiting list from the beginning of this year that I have not been able to touch. There are simply not enough hours between my day job and personal business to squeeze in additional work. And I prefer the monotony and stability of a day job over forcing myself to create art that I am not excited about.

I also now route all my sales transactions through Etsy, which makes it much harder for orders and shipping information to be misplaced or forgotten.

Most of my custom work comes via the sketch requests on my Patreon, which I enjoy, because they leave me free to follow my inspiration and choose the media, size, and style of the resulting work. No one is under any obligation to purchase the original work, and I have produced some really beautiful pieces (in my opinion) this year based on prompts. Check it out, if interested.

Christmas Socks
Socks for Steve and myself from our friend Lance.

Aside from being sick, I have had a pleasant holiday season so far. Steve and I exchanged presents with our friend Lance on Sunday, and Lance gifted me with my favourite thing — plain, tall socks. I also received the softest sweater ever and a ceramic Christmas tree from my wishlist. I know ceramic trees are the thing right now, but I have wanted one since they started cropping up in stores at least two or three years ago. This was closest in appearance to the one my mother had, in my memory, when I was a child. I loved to turn it on in an otherwise dark room — taking in the colour of the little plastic bulbs, and how the light reflected off the tree’s contours and glossy ceramic glaze. Hers was most likely broken or sold in a garage sale, eventually. I cried a bit when I pulled the new one from the box and plugged it in. I will never know what became of the mishmash of unmatched, heirloom, and handmade ornaments we used when I was small, but this opened a glowing window to the past.

Vintage-Style Ceramic Tree

At the beginning of November, I got to visit my friend Taya’s new baby, who is now about two months old. I have held babies before — but only a handful of times — and never long enough for one to fall asleep on me. Holding that tiny human in my arms was one of the best feelings ever, and I cannot wait until I am well enough to see them again. I will have Christmas cookies in tow!

The end of the year, of course, is always a time for self-reflection, and I have more to write about the lessons I learned and personal growth I achieved in 2018. That deserves its own post, though, so expect it later this week.